This evening was our team Christmas dinner, so I tried to venture out for the first time in a few days. I made it down to Camden on the bus, and had to turn around because I felt too sick to keep going to the restaurant. I got so frustrated and started crying on the walk home. Then I noticed that my frustration moved towards people around me on the street, like I was taking it out on them or something. I prayed that God would uproot the anger that's inside and soften my heart. I felt very ashamed that I was getting mad at people around me.
I am very often in need of asking the Lord to forgive me and work in my heart, but I notice that I am even more sensitive and edgey when I am sick. Maybe that is one of the blessings that Paul talks about with suffering; it highlights to me even more how much I need saving and healing from Jesus, because I am so quick to complain, get frustrated and angry, worry, idolize. I am so thankful and in awe that in all of Jesus' suffering, He never sinned. And because He never did, He absorbed all of mine and isn't surprised by how wayward my heart is. I'm really thankful for the cross this evening, and that by His wounds, I'm spiritually healed.

Yesterday

I think yesterday evening was the scariest time since I've been in London. I've been battling the flu since Tuesday night, but yesterday I felt the worst. By the evening, my temperature got pretty high, and I had been inside my flat, alone, for 3 days. When my temperature spiked, and my head started pounding and fingers tingling, I began panicking and hyperventilating, because I was scared and didn't know what to do. I usually get the flu around Christmas time, but I've always been sick with a housemate or family member around. I texted a couple of people on my team asking for help and wondering what to do. And they were really great. My team leader came to my flat with a brown bag, some meds, and got me drinking more fluids (I was dehydrated). We debated going to the ER, but I told him I really didn't want to go if we could help it. And just having someone come in and check on me was comforting. He also prayed for me. When I was panicking, I had also texted one of my close friends back home to ask her to please pray, because I was scared and didn't know what to do. She emailed me and told me that she had prayed that God would send some people to care for me. Shortly after my team leader had left, one of the other apprentices here, who I hadn't contacted, texted me. She asked if it would be okay if she came and kept an eye on me for the night. It was really amazing to see my friend's prayer answered like that, and I was thankful for how God provided some people right here to care for me.

The Expected One

I'm reading through the gospel of Luke right now. Usually around this time of year, I'll focus in on selected readings centering around the birth of Jesus, but this year I'm continuing on through the book. It's been very enriching and eye-opening for me to read the accounts of Jesus' ministry. I don't know if it's partly because I haven't read through the Gospels in a while, or if it's because I'm really feeling broken and messy and in need of a Saviour right now, and maybe both. I'm just always struck by the stories that I'm reading.
For the past few days, I've been reading over and over again the story of John's disciples going to Jesus to ask Him questions. The whole story itself, with how the "sinners and traders" believed He was the Messiah, because they had received the baptism of repentance, and the Pharisees couldn't deal with their own inconsistencies and denied their hypocrisy, because they weren't living lives of repentance... that was very humbling for me to look at and examine. But what also struck me was John the Baptist's question for Jesus, "Are you the EXPECTED ONE, or do we look for someone else?" And here is Jesus the Messiah, the One they have been waiting for for so long, standing and performing miracles and saying that He is the One. All the while, the Pharisees, the teachers of the law, men who had been studying about the coming of the Messiah for their whole lives, didn't even see Him as He really was- the Expected One. They were looking for someone else.
This time of year is always really interesting for me- I always feel this tension in my heart. There are so many distractions and attention-pulling things around me. And a lot of them are good things, like planning out a carol service in the market, or attending Christmas parties, or making Christmas cards. But I confess that most years, it's not until Christmas Eve night, when I'm lying on the couch with all the lights off, except for the Christmas tree, and everyone else is sleeping, that I really realize it's Christmas the next day. And I think that's kind of sad. Because what's going on in the hussle and bussle is not always helping me live in expectation of the Expected One. I am so so often a Pharisee, thinking that I know all this stuff about Jesus, but I'm looking around for someone else or something else or something that I can DO to save me. When really, He's standing right here wanting me to live in expectation of Him and what He can do in my life, in my brokenness. I'm so thankful that He is the Expected One, the One this world has been waiting for.

I was pretty excited to look out the window yesterday morning and see a light dusting of snow on the ground. It looked like back home! When I turned on my computer before heading out to the shelter, the front page headline in one of the leading newspapers stated "Snow Chaos! How did this happen again?"

I give you "Snow Chaos"...




I realize that this country is not prepared for this kind of weather, there are no snow tires here, and it's kind of icy on the sidewalks. But "Snow Chaos"? There's less than an inch on the ground outside. It's beautiful outside!!! And it's winter! Aren't we suppose to get some snow out there? :)

Today

Tomorrow our team is celebrating American Thanksgiving. I didn't get a turkey at Canadian Thanksgiving this year, so I am double excited about tomorrow. And before I hit the hay, I thought I'd write down a couple of the many things I'm thankful from today:
-Getting to go toy store window shopping with my sister R today. She took the train into London, and we had a blast in the puppet section (the giraffe and ostrich puppets were my favourite to play with). Then we went back to being adultish and had tea and scones at Debbenhams. It was great.
-Mushroom soup and a good homemade sandwich that was provided for me.
-Blue sky. I'm learning to be more grateful for those blue patches when they come out.
-Getting to skype with a good friend/mentor and her daughter back home. That was just so good!

Thank You, Jesus.

An Ode to my Shower

Recently a friend stopped by,
and commented on my shower's size.

"I really don't know how you manage in there.
How do you shampoo and condition your hair?"

I gave a small chuckle and said in response,
"It was a struggle at first, but now not so much."

I admit that my shower is oh so very small.
In fact, it's probably the smallest of most shower stalls.

When I first moved in and observed its width,
I was concerned that I'd get stuck in it.

Once I got the hang of how it works,
the dial on its wall and some other quirks,

I was able to manage and even enjoy it,
even though I'm still unsure how the room managed to squeeze in a toilet.

The only big problem is its sudden change in temperature,
or when the water assumes a much less pressure.

But then I just step out, covered in soap,
and shiver while I wait for the boiler to heat up some more.

For didn't Seuss once say along the same lines,
that "A shower is a shower, no matter its size?"

I'm having another bout of homesickness today. I haven't been feeling well the past couple of days, and this morning I'm just missing Toronto people a lot and getting anxious about next year and not having a clue where I'll be or what I'll be doing. My tendency on these kind of days is to wake up and start pushing through the morning on my own, instead of being quick to take these burdens to Jesus. After running to the local store to pick up some things to make breakfast, I found myself sitting at the table crying with a heart that feels like it's in a knot. And it felt so good to just take it all to Jesus and ask Him to carry these burdens, and to protect me from giving into the tempting lies of Satan- that I'm not pretty enough or smart enough or normal enough. I knew from how I was feeling yesterday that it'd been a while since I'd had a good cry, and it felt good to let it out. I'm reading through the Psalms right now, and this morning's was from Psalm 50- "Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me." That's my heart's cry- I really want to honor Jesus with my life, in whatever He calls me to do, whether that's alone or with someone; whether it's here or there; whether it's doing a lot of sowing or getting to see some of the reaping. God give me strength.